Friday, April 10, 2009

Understanding Abuse

At the age of 17 I married my high school sweetheart (I believe to this day I did this at such a young age because I missed my deceased father but that is beside the point). Once married in his mind I became his to do with as he pleased and I was to do exactly what I was told and nothing more. Being strong willed I stood up to him just two weeks into the marriage and that is when it all began. I endured the mental and subsequent physical abusive relationship for 8 months before I ran. Even after the divorce I went back to “see” him a couple more times, even spending a week with him in Utah several months after I left the last time. Just to see again one more time that I really did not want to be in that relationship.

I have a clear first hand understanding of abuse. The mental and emotional ups and downs of abuse weaken the strongest woman. I have firsthand experience of being “groomed” into abuse. The abuser “grooms” his victim much like a pedophile “grooms” his victim. A woman with little relationship experience is particularly vulnerable to the “grooming”. This is why the violence of abuse starts with just nasty words then makeup sessions then escalates to more violence each subsequent session until an ending is achieved one way or another. Could be that the woman actually does leave or as often as not it ends in death. The “grooming” process must include the makeup sessions. These sessions help protect the abuser by enabling him to convince the abused that it really is not that bad and what really happened did not. This technique helps the abuser cover his tracks because the abused will lie, make excuses and cover the physical markings to shelter and protect him!

Statics say that an abused woman will go back to her abuser at least eight times before finally making the final break. Abuse is a funny thing you hate the act but love the person. It is hard to de-tangle that in your heart and mind. You still have the dreams the two of you made together waning in your heart as “not going to happen” and that is a very sad feeling. In addition to losing your dreams you have lost your partner and you are alone again.
Without the life experience of abuse those of you who have not experienced abuse have no room to make judgment upon those who have. You simply do not understand how devastating this is and you never will; this the point of this posting. I would hope instead of judgment and negativity you would show respect and compassion to those who escaped the abuse as they are true warriors to have survived. It takes years to heal from abuse. Positive energy, love and compassion is the best medicine.

Over the last couple months I have had several people relate negative conversations they have had with some regarding my daughter Hollywood. I feel I need to address the topic to get all the true facts out upon the table. First and foremost I think everyone knows that Hollywood was in a very abusive relationship with a older man. The most difficult thing I personally have endured in my entire life is the abuse my Hollywood endured. If you are a parent I would think that you understand how absolutely helpless you are when your child is hurting and you do not have the ability to help her. I can honestly say it almost killed me and her father. As most of you know she went back “just one more time” and learned that she did not want to be in that relationship. As most of you know “that one more time" produced a perfectly innocent child. Hollywood has chose life over death. At the age of 20 Hollywood is choosing to be a mom instead of adoption (the easier route).

I want it to be known that I am EXTREMELY proud of Hollywood! She has really stepped up to her responsibilities. She has taken her pregnancy seriously. She has given up caffeine and most junk foods and goes to the gym at least three times a week. Her Doctor is extremely happy with her health even though she has lost over 12 pounds since becoming pregnant (because of the healthy lifestyle she has been living). Although, she is currently living at home with us, she pays and has been paying her equally split share of rent and utilities. She pays for ALL of her own expenses including her car payment gas and phone. She has a full time job working 40 hours a week and then typically babysits or house sits several times a week. She does not have maternity insurance, so she has been paying as she goes and is up to date with all her medical bills. She has a (medical & baby) savings account that she contributes to every time she gets money so that she can pay her up and coming delivery bills. She saves every penny she can for the expense she knows is coming with a new baby. She could have chose the easier route and gone on Medicare and Unemployment, but did not. She treats the baby’s father with respect when their paths cross, (We have raised her to treat everyone with respect because that is the right thing to do.) but has made it clear to him that she is not interested in anything from him including money.
It has been made clear to me that some folks are venomously angry and verbal regarding Hollywood. I do not believe that ANYONE with the exception of WaterBoy, Myself, FilmBoy or Hollywood owns the right to be “angry” about this situation as it is NOT any of their business to take on the emotion of the situation and this is simply not about them.

This has been a tough deal for all of us! We can use all the love, support and positive energy sent our way that any of my readers may choose to send. If you prefer negative thoughts and comments please keep them to yourself and off the street.

We are looking forward to welcome our healthy Eliza into our very close family.
There is much to look forward to coming out of an abusive relationship, I know! I found WaterBoy we fell in love had FilmBoy and Hollywood and have been blissfully married for 24 years. We truly have a wonderful life and are so blessed. Hollywood has a wonderful life before her. WaterBoy and I stand behind her and her decisions 100%.
If you know someone being abused, take the time to just have a cup of coffee and let them know you are there for them when they are ready. Be caring and compassionate they are hurting and more often than not just being around healthy people that is not enduring abuse can be a motive to move on, particularly if they know they are not alone and have a support system.
To learn more about this topic please go to this web page
Crazy Love, Crazy Choices Why on earth do women stay in abusive relationships?


Sarah said...

I am watching my sister go through this right now. I keep praying that she has the courage to leave her DH, but I know she will have to be the one to do it. Its very hard to see how he constantly hurts her & their child (she gets the physical abuse, the child gets neglected). He always turns things around and makes her apologize for making him angry when he has his outbursts :(

I am glad that your story has a happy ending, and that Hollywood's ending is shaping up happy as well. Congrats on the little one! My nephew and niece (due in June) are the bright spots in all of this. Those little smiles can make a lot of old hurts and grudges go away. Good luck for all of you!

(Sam814 - Sarah)

centralillinoisian said...

Oh, SunEday, This makes me cry. No one should ever be mad at Hollywood. You know my story. I am angry with her situation, the fact that she went through it, not at her. I wish that no woman ever had to go through an awful situation. How dare those people say bad things about Hollywood (or your family). I am also extremely proud of her. It takes great courage to embark on the journey she is taking. You and your family are, as always, in my thoughts. I think of you often. *hugs* and take care of you and yours.

cheapdate said...

You are a survivor and you will survive a few busy bodies and their small minded-ness . Good for Hollywood for doing the best she can for her baby .I wish you all joy in the upcoming years. Good Luck and God Bless

SunEday said...

Sarah - I am sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult situation to be in. Trust your instincts. A child cannot protect him or herself. If you can try to show that child some frun. If her child is being harmed, please take a stance to protect him or her. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Aw. You are right that no one has the right to be angry. I think we all have family members, friends or have went through similar situations ourselves.
Once you meet your grandchild all those other feelings and situations will not matter. I respect your DD for taking responsibility and being a good mother.